5 Building Relationships and Mindset
Dr. Jessica Lane and Dr. Rebeca Chow
Relationships matter. People, not programs, change people.
– Dr. Bruce Perry
Trauma isn’t just the bad stuff that happened.
It’s also the good stuff that never happened.
-Dr. Heidi Green
Dr. Lane: How to support students
How helpers understand and respond to children and adolescents impacts the relationships that they can develop. These responses are influenced by our attachment styles. Attachment styles are the internal working model that we develop as we rely on our primary caregivers to meet the basic needs of comfort, protection, acceptance and overall survival (Levine & Heller, 2010). This internal working model continues to determine how we form and maintain relationships throughout our lives and determines our capacity for co-regulation. Co-regulation is at the heart of building resilience. Trauma interrupts the development of our internal co-regulation skills. Trauma, either in experiences of commission (acts of harm) or omission (absence of care), is an important component of early childhood development and is associated with disruptions in social, emotional, and cognitive well-being (Dana, 2018).
As helpers, building relationships is at the heart of what we do. Understanding attachment and attachment styles may provide some insight into the children and adolescents you work with as well as your own relationship dynamics. Your role as a helper is not to pity, but to support the child, meet them where they are, and respond appropriately when needed. Being calm, consistent, and attentive can often be enough to help the child re-learn and change their view of the environment as safe or dangerous.
There are four main types of attachment: secure, anxious avoidant, anxious ambivalent and disorganized. Dr. Dan Siegel speaks about various attachment styles:
Secure Attachment
This is the most common type of attachment and is characterized by a trusting and secure relationship between the infant and caregiver. Children with secure attachment feel safe, protected, and loved, and are more likely to develop healthy relationships with others.
Dr. Dan Siegel: Secure Attachment
Anxious-Avoidant Attachment
This type of attachment is characterized by an infant’s tendency to avoid closeness and emotional connection with the caregiver. These children often appear to be self-reliant and independent; however, they are actually avoiding forming a secure attachment.
Dr. Dan Siegel: Anxious-Avoidant Attachment
Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment
This type of attachment is characterized by an infant’s tendency to be clingy and dependent on the caregiver. These children may have difficulty trusting and relying on others and may struggle with feelings of insecurity and anxiety.
Dr. Dan Siegel: Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment
Disorganized Attachment
This type of attachment is characterized by confusing patterns of behavior, including both avoidance of and clinging to the caregiver. These children may exhibit confusion, fear, and difficulty regulating emotions.
Dr. Dan Siegel: Disorganized Attachment
PRO TIP
Accept that what worked with one child or teen might not work for another one. Look for activities, new and old, that continue to bring connection between you and the child or teen. We don’t have a lot of control over many things (global pandemic, school administration changes, home environments) but we do have control over our daily lives. Focus on something little that you can do to change the story that is playing out.
When the child/adolescent and the adult are securely attached they have the capacity to create positive relationships and co-regulate increased engagement in learning. On the other hand, if one of the individuals is anxiously attached (ambivalent or avoidant), the child/adolescent and adult will have difficulty regulating their emotions, which can lead to difficulty focusing on the classroom and creating meaningful connections.
While well intended, caring individuals can often get caught up in the depth of the trauma and the experiences of the child. It is not uncommon for helpers to want to know more about the situation or wish to rewrite history for the child (Souers & Hall, 2016). When overly focused on the child’s past situation, burnout can easily ensue.
Therefore, it is important to note that while one can wish circumstances were different for the child or adolescent, they are not. However, as a helper, you can show the child something different, and that’s where the hope and energy can and should be channeled. As a helper, our mindset is controllable and an important consideration.
Mindsets exist on a continuum from fixed to growth and can be influenced by the task at hand (Dweck, 2015). Those with a fixed mindset believe that skills and intelligence are static, or “fixed”. A growth mindset asserts that behaviors are not fixed, but malleable, and people are open and able to grow, embrace challenges and persist despite failure (Mindset Works, 2023). When working with children who have or are experiencing trauma, mindset has significant impact, and helpers must work to continue to have a growth mindset. Setting expectations and supporting the child in growth and change are imperative. The more the helper can take themself out of the situation and focus on the child/adolescent and the situation, the more likely they are to have positive, meaningful interactions (Souers & Hall, 2016). How we show up each day and approach the helping relationship is critical. Our mindset needs to be positive, focused on the present, and driven by what’s within our control. Each day must be a new day, activating a growth mindset with the opportunity for hope, connection, and regulation.
Dr. Lane: Forever changed, but not forever damaged
PRO TIP
This eBook utilizes the 3As of change: awareness, acceptance, and action.
Positive change and growth can occur within the 3As mindset. To activate the 3A’s model, we must first be aware of the issue(s) we wish to change. Awareness is the identification that some problem or dysfunction exists that needs changing (Berger, 2022). Awareness requires a full review of current needs with as much objectivity as possible; awareness is the enemy of denial (Berger, 2022). If you are reading this eBook, you are aware at some level that there is a need to understand and support children, their current needs and behaviors, and to be more trauma responsive.
The aim then, is for helpers to accept the current needs and challenges that children and adolescents face. Beyond accepting the challenges that the child or adolescent faces, it’s also acceptance that this person has experienced trauma, and while this has impacted him/her, it is just one component of the person.
We must accept the traumatized person and see their trauma as a part of the individual, not the totality, and understand that growth and progress are obtainable. By being aware and accepting, the helper can then feel empowered to act to better meet children where they are in relation to traumatic experiences.
An important part of acceptance and action is reviewing one’s mindset and expectations in working with the child or adolescent, and developing meaningful relationships that strengthen working relationships.
Dr. Chow: Measuring Success
REFERENCES
Dana, D. (2018). The polyvagal theory in therapy. Norton.
Dweck, C.S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.
Dweck, C.S. (2015, September 22). Carol Dweck revisits the ‘growth mindset.’ Education Week. Retrieved from https://www.edweek.org/ew/articles/2015/09/23/carol-dweck-revisits-the-growth-mindset.html
Levine. A. & Heller. R (2010). Attached. Tarcher Perigee.
Mindsets (2023). Why do mindsets matter? https://www.mindsetworks.com/Science/Impact
Siegel. D (2011a, March 3). Ambivalent attachment [Video file]. YouTube. Dr. Dan Siegel – On Ambivalent Attachment
Siegel. D (2011b, March 3). Avoidant attachment [Video file]. YouTube. Dr. Dan Siegel – On Avoidant Attachment
Siegel. D (2011c, March 3). Disorganized attachment [Video file]. YouTube. Dr. Dan Siegel – On Disorganized Attachment in the Making
Siegel. D (2011d, March 3). Optimal attachment [Video file]. YouTube. Dr. Dan Siegel – On Optimal Attachment
Souers, K., & Hall, P. (2016). Fostering resilient
Vickers, S. (2019). Awareness, acceptance, action. OSU Health Plan. https://osuhealthplan.com/news/awareness-acceptance-action
